Jenova Bytes
by Rondy Peredhil
Summary: The Author *hehheh* couldn't sleep at nighte, so she wrote this very disturbing humor fic. to amuse herself. At some point, I've lost all of my dignity. Rated R for twisted humor, cussing, male/male implications, violence, computer luv, and the constant u


Jenova Bytes

A Final Fantasy VII oriented late nighte rant by Sephiroth Valentine, the Tragick Lamb of God

  
  
  
  


Disclaimer: With this disclaimer, I do solemnly swear that I will not _diss_ Squaresoft or _claim_ their lovely characters for my own. Yup. That was the corniest disclaimer in the history of FF.net. I do realize this. *procures a pair of nerdy glasses from thin air, since writing is magickal, and pushed them up onto the bridge of her nose, tape and all*

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Summary: The author of "Faded Dreams, Falling Like Rain" takes a slight reprieve in writing the next chapter, for it's late at nighte . . . or early in the morning. You, the readers, can take your own damn pick as to which one it is.

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Once upon a midnighte dreary, whilst the writer was weeping, morbid, and weary, there came a whiny pitch from out the mouth of Hell. 'Twas her 'puter, demanding rest, no less. And since She found no word that rhymed with Jenova (its name) that didn't sound cheesy like Supernova, she obeyed. 

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *pops up from behind Sarah, the writer, who is poking at keys randomly, looking rather stressed* Whatcha doin'?

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *With a bit of dry humor* I'm trying to get those damn criss-crossy thingies from under these words I'm say-typing . . . to go away. Damn WordImperfect.

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *with a robotic tone* "If you are using damn or damned to swear or emphasize something, consider omitting or revising."

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *Randomly* SPOOTY! *checks what WordImperfect's got to "correct" her spelling error* HaHaHa, SPOONY! Spoony is almost as fun to say as SPOOTY! And what's up with WordImperfect _not_ being in the dictionary? Is WordPerfect in the dictionary? And why does this suddenly intrigue me? 

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *With his hands on his hips, eyes rolled heaven-ward* Firstly, Spoony has got NOTHING on Spooty, 'cause the Angry Beavers rock. Secondly, isn't spoony an offensive term? Thirdly, why is all of the sudden acting like spoony isn't a word? Perhaps because you wrote SPOOTY in CAPITAL letters. And goddamn it, no it is not more fun to say. And to answer your questions: I have no fucking clue, Yes it is, and it's because Sephiroth isn't in the room and it's 3 in the mornin'. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Sarah: *Raises her eyebrow at that last comment, and then nods* Yeah, I guess so. But damn, who can concentrate on anything else when six feet of man's in the room?

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *raises an eyebrow* Are you referring to his sword, his _SWORD_, or his _length_?

  
  
  
  


Sarah: Uh . . . *sweat drops* The . . .third one? 

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *stares* . . .You sicko.

  
  
  
  


Sarah: . . . *blue lines appear on her face; she didn't even know what he meant by ANY of those!*

  
  
  
  


Cloud: It's a good thing this conversation in taking place in the confines of a room that exists in your head and it being forever humiliated by this piece of writing, or you'd have a hard time pronouncing that ". . ." Only one has mastered the correct pronunciation of ". . ." . . . Oh yeah, two. 

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *Clears throat* Let me start that over again. *swipes Sarah's mic and takes on an ominous deep voice* YOU SUCKK!! *shakes head violently* Sorry, I was playing some bike skate boarding game last nighte . . .

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *Raises an eyebrow* 

  
  
  
  


Zack: *Randomly goes by in the nude on a skateboard* YAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  
  
  
  


Sarah and Cloud: *Big sweat drop appears on both their foreheads*

  
  
  
  


Random Gremlin from The Gremlins: *appears on top of Sarah's computer, holding a Ram's horn* *Blows horn* RIIIIIICCCCCCOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLAAAAA!!!!! 

  
  
  
  


Sarah and Cloud: *Fall over simultaneously, and get up, wondering why they just did that*

  
  
  
  
  
  


Cloud: Must be from all that Anime we've been watching.

  
  
  
  


Sarah: Hmmm. Could be. 

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *dreamy heart eyes* Ashram-kun, I LUUUVVVVV you! (Ashram from Record of Lodoss War, mmyep)

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *blinking audibly* Let it be noted for the record that Cloud becomes madly in love with military bishounen with long silky hair.

  
  
  
  


Cloud: *L'sigh* I would _so_ spoon him.

  
  
  
  


Sarah: I think it would be the other way around, Moseyboy.

  
  
  
  


Cloud: Sheesh, can't anybody get over that goddamn line?

  
  
  
  


(And somewhere off in a far away land where Tiny Broncos run free, Cid sits sipping tea, pinky extended in the right fashion, with Shera. He's involved in what seems to be a tale of utmost importance.)

  
  
  
  


Cid: So I says to the $%^#*^^ kid, "What the ^$*)8 do you mean, 'Let's ^*&)* mosey'? I mean. God-fucking-damn-it! . . . Hey . . . the author didn't censor that! *Arms go up in triumph, "accidently" knocking over his tea, spilling it on Shera* WOOHOO!!!

  
  
  
  


(The Author was busy watching Beast Master on WB in a "What the Hell is this, and why is it being allowed to air, even at friggen 3 o' clock in the morning?!" kind of fashion. She goes back to edit.)

  
  
  
  


Cid (5 minutes ago): So I says to the $%^#*^^ kid, "What the ^$*)8 do you mean, 'Let's ^*&)* mosey'? I mean. God-^%$#-damn-it! 

  
  
  
  


Cid (current) : *blinks in wonder* One day, I'm going to be that ^%&%%^#$^$$ omniscient. ^$$^* yeah. 

  
  
  
  


Shera: *concerned look, dabbing at the tea that's splashed on her face*

  
  
  
  


(Back to the wonderful Land of Narnia, that is . . . Sarah's room.)

  
  
  
  


The Gremlin from the movie The Gremlins: *Blows horn* RRRRRRIIIIIICCC- *stares in horror as Sephiroth comes out of Sarah's closet (haha) in the whole Rabbi outfit, looking verily pissed off*

  
  
  
  


Sephiroth: You die now, in the name of the Lord, who HATH created the universe and the Planet in 6 days, resting upon the 7th, for our Lord is a fan of Final Fantasy VII! This, foul ugly creature, is yonder horn for the calling of Shofar! *snatches the horn with one hand and runs the Gremlin through with the other, his sword produced from Who-knows-where*

  
  
  
  


Sarah: THAT'S a turn off. 

  
  
  
  


Sephiroth: *stares at Sarah's computer for a second, then has hearts in his eyes as he wraps himself around it and hugs it, stroking the top loving and making cooing noises* . . . . . . . .Mmmmmm . . . oooo . . . ttttttt . . . hhh . . . eee . . . rrr. . . . . . . . . .. *nearly orgasms*

  
  
  
  


Sarah: . . . So's that. *blinks*

  
  
  
  


Cloud: We would like to take a moment to explain why Sarah's computer is rather snidely termed "Jenova."

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *spot lighte focuses on her . . . and it was GOING to focus on the computer, but . .. We won't go there* My computer is definitely an Alien shit-face sent from some diseased Planet to suck the life out of me, or use me for its personal gain. Plus, AOL is my internet source. So, one day, when I was bored as Hell, and everything I was trying to do on my computer kept showing the "Illegal Action" exclamation, I grabbed a piece of paper, cut it up a bit, took my quill, and wrote in splashy letters, "JENOVA," sticking it to the top of the monitor, snarling. Therefore, I no long refer to it as the "'Puter," but the dastardly bastardly bitchy itchy zam bam paloomba, sha bang bang boom . . . JENOVA. *Spot lighte unfocuses*

  
  
  
  
  
  


Cloud: That was quite disturbing, you realize.

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *gestures toward Sephiroth cuddling with the computer and crooning like a Chocobo in heat* No, THAT is.

  
  
  
  


Cloud: I dunno . . . it's . . . kind of . . . spoony.

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *smacks her forehead* Okay, it's about time that something else that's obnoxious beyond all reason has to die needlessly. Jut 'cause I say so. Or type so. Whatever. *starts typing madly on the computer, stopping to move Sephiroth's leg away*

  
  
  
  


(Vincent and Yuffie appear. Vincent has his gun aimed, and Yuffie's on her knees, her hands clasped. They're frozen in that position until Zack twirls past in a leotard, too-too, and tights, touching the Magick Dildo of Truth and All Good Spooniness to their anuses.)

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *Jaw hits the ground in disgusted disgustedness*

  
  
  
  


Cloud: Oh my Bahamut! I HAVE FOUND MY SPOON PARTNER! *Twinkle-toes himself away, star-struck, after Zack, that twinkle-toes sound effect from the Flinstones playing as he pursues Zack and his Magick Dildo*

  
  
  
  


Yuffie: *Realizes she's unfrozen, and clears her throat* Vincey baby, are you gonna play "Tie Yiffie to the Bedpost and Fuck Her Silly While Threatening Her with the Big Bad Gun?"

  
  
  
  


Vincent: *Holding his gun to Yuffie's head* Number one: do not . . . under ANY circumstances call me . . . *quakes with disgust* VINCEY BABY . . . Number two: You're delusional, you Wutai slut. *Pulls the trigger of his gun, then fires over and over, Yuffie brains and Yuffie pieces flying everywhere*

  
  
  
  


Sarah: *momentarily ailed of how disturbing that Zack thing was, cheering Vincent on, popcorn myseriously written onto her lap, she indulgences on it's corny buttery salty goodness* Mmm, spooty. *head bangs to the sound of gunshots*

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
